Wicca or the Harry Potter Clan?
by Katie is Chinese
Summary: parody of people who think Harry Potter is Wicca
1. well, seeing it's first, lets call it 1

Wicca or Harry Potter??

A young Harry Potter & Ronald Weasley sat outside, reading their textbooks. Hermione Granger was apparently looking up Wicca on the internet. She looked up from her Compaq laptop, and looked at Harry, his face buried in his Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook.

" Harry?"

"What is it now, Hermione?"

" These people think we are Wiccans."

"I thought Dumbledore cleared that up last week. Remember, he even got interviewed on Dr. Phil."

"Yeah, I know, it's on you tube, but these people are saying we are teaching little children witchcraft."

"Um, we are kind of Warlocks, and Witches. But, like I don't really even have a religion. Funny how that happened." said Ron, as he put his Divination text down.  
"Let me see that, Hermione." Hermione handed Ron her laptop.

HARRY POTTER, THE CULT!

Apparently, on December 4th, when Albus Dumbledore was interviewed on the Dr. Phil show, it rose up quite a stir. Especially when the claimed 'professor' jumped up and shot silly string at Dr. Phil, screaming, "No one understands me, all those stupid people!" and then burst out in tears.

A Mr. Corincci-Flincci then got the idea that Hogwarts, the school which the famous Harry Potter attends, teaches those poor children to drink blood and offer it up to their Gods. Here is an interview with Mr. Guidry Corincci-Flincci.

Us: Hello, Mr. C

Mr. C: Hello, Weekly U.S. Magic!

Us: We, and I bet the rest of America are wondering why you think Harry Potter is leading a cult?

Mr. C: Well, I actually went to Hogwarts a few weeks ago to check it out. The carriages with the invisible horses didn't help their cause for being not guilty, I can assure you. As soon as I got up to the gait, I decided not to go into the rather large building, because I did not want a raid to go on. So I hired some students to place secret cameras in all the boys' bathrooms to see if Harry spills any secrets[giggles gayishly

Us: Well, um, Ok then. Thank you for your time, Mr. C.  
Mr. C: Oh, call me, The Hero of the Bathroom[giggles again

Us: Right.. Alright then. Goodbye!

So there you have it, a very rare interview with The Hero of the Bathroom!

" Well that was gay. Harry, you better watch which toilet seat you sit on from now on."

" The nerve of him! Messing with our way of life! Oh, Harry!" Hermione said, as she started to cry.

" We could dress Moaning Myrtle up as me, and tell her to rip off all the cameras!" Harry said, clearly excited.  
" What good will that do us? Let's use silly string! Or booger flavored beans!" Said Ron, also very excited.

"That's bogus! Just tell the Ministry of Magic." Hermione said.

So, the three went up to The Ministry of Magic.

⌠Hello, may I help you?■ asked the secretary.  
⌠Um, yeah. Yeah, sure,■ Harry read her name tag, ⌠Ross. We would like to see the minister.■ ⌠He is busy at the candy store. You know, Fudge, candy. How ironic.■ she said in a very dull voice, ⌠But I▓ll take a message, just like a did for all the other idiots who came in for complaints. You people don▓t appreciate me enough! Message, message, message. Phone, phone, phone. Lend money to the idiotic minister for candy! Does he ever bring me any candy? No! he never does.■ ⌠I▓m sorry to hear that, but just tell him Harry Potter called in.■ ⌠You walked in.■ ⌠Whatever.■

Then they walked over to a bench, near the front of the building. As they sat down, Hermione asked Harry,  
⌠Why don▓t we go see Fred and George? They could help us do something!■ ⌠Yes, very clever Hermione.■ Ron rolled his eyes, ⌠And let them do some dangerous trick to blow up the bathroom? Me and Harry might have to go in the girl▓s room until they rebuild it!■ ⌠Right. Well, then how about we go talk to Oprah? She will know what to do!■ Ron and Harry agreed. So they took off in Ron▓s dad▓s car, going to Hollywood.

When they arrived, they were in a rather large parking lot, in front of a huge building, with the words, Oprah▓s Studio painted on it. The building was a cheery yellow, with flaking white border. They jumped out of the old blue car, and pushed through the doors. Oprah, and a client were apparently already on air.

⌠ And when did you start to feel that way?■ Oprah asked her client.

⌠ Now! My daughter, Hannah, is such a big movie star, that people all over recognize her!■

Then Hannah Montana entered the stage. ⌠ Hey y▓all!■ she said, as she looked up into the crowd. Then she spotted Harry. ⌠ Oh MY GOD! OPRAH, YOU DIDN▓T TELL ME HARRY POTTER WAS HERE!■ she yelled as she jumped off stage, and ran up to Harry.  
⌠ Oh, my God!■ she squealed, then kissed him.  
⌠Um, thanks Hannah, but do you think Hermione, Ron and I could talk to Oprah real quick?■ ⌠Anything for you Harry!■ She took his hand and led him up on stage. Everyone in the crowd began to clap. ⌠Oprah,■ Hannah smiled broadly, ⌠this is Harry Potter! He wants to talk to you!■ ⌠Well, then! Sit down Harry! Ron, Hermione!■ ⌠Thanks■ said Hermione.  
⌠What▓s the problem?■ asked Oprah.  
⌠People think we are starting a cult! The Hero of the Bathroom is even gonna put hidden cameras in our bathrooms!■ boasted Ron.  
Oprah shifted her weight. ⌠Really, Ron?■ ⌠Yup. We need your advice on this.■ Suddenly, Hannah squealed again, plopped her self on Ron▓s lap, and kissed him.  
⌠Hannah, we all love you, but please, just go back stage!■ cried Oprah.  
⌠No, no. It▓s ok. I like rock stars!■ replied Ron, as he looked into Hannah▓s eyes.  
⌠Right. Well, this will be very valuable information, then. Meet me in my office after I finish this interview with Billie Rae.■ ⌠Ok. Thanks,■ said Harry as the four trooped out, Hannah and Ron holding hands. 


	2. Fritz Zander

The Secret Cut Out Part Dedicated to the Mixed Up Pop Princess 

So, as you all know, Hannah Montana apparently likes... Ronald Weasley. Well, no offence to Miley, or anything, but this is one mixed up pop star.

At her Malibu home, Hannah Montana had told her best friend, Lilly, that she was going out with Ron. Here's how the whole thing worked out.

"Lilly! OMG, I am going out with Ron Weasley!"

"But your going out with Jake."

"Yeah... Well, It's just like, dating or something, nothing serious."

"Yeah, sure."

"No, no, no. nothing like that!"

Hannah twisted the phone cord around her finger,

"but, be honest, he is cute! And these crazy dudes think that he and What's-his-face-Potter are leading it... so unFabulous."

"Miles!' Hannah's dad interrupted, "there's some Fritz guy who says he knows you out side!"

"K pop! Lilly, I call you back in a seck."

"Whatever."

Hannah then hung up, and as she walked out her front door, she saw the most handsome human boy to walk the earth. And his name was Fritz Zander. But, what was even weirder, is that, well, he didn't even know her.

"Hi!" said Hannah, clearly having know intention to tell him she had 2 boyfriends already.  
"'Ello, 'Annah 'Ontana!"

Hannah, to her unfortunate feeling, felt her heart melt. Those clear blue eyes, jet black hair! (Who wouldn't like the guy?)

"So, why are you here in Malibu, Fritz?"

"Um, yer conssert?"

"Oh, Oh, yeah." Hannah clearly has problems. "Want to go for coffee after words?"

"Ure! (sure)"

"Great! See you then!"

The Fritz went to... where ever gorgeous guys like that stay when they're on vacation.

Hannah redialed Lilly's number. And Lilly freaked out.

No offence to Miley, she's awesome, but, your just so much fun to make fun of.

Stay tuned for the next chapter to see if The Hero of the Bathroom gets caught!!!!!!!!


	3. Dumbledore and the coffee grinder

So, back to the story.

When Hannah, Harry, Hermione, and Ron stepped into Oprah's office, they felt... a little uncomfortable. There were Hannah posters everywhere, Hannah music blasting from the suround sound, Harry books laying everywhere, not to mention the calenders. And, the big 'This is the Life' beanie bag chair. Apparently, Oprah was a very, very big fan.

They each sat down on a bean bag chair, as Oprah stepped in.

"I hope you don't mind all the mess, my grandchildren just raided the place." said Oprah,  
as she rolled her eyes.

"No, no, not at all." Said Hermione.  
"Anyway, so they think you are leading a cult Harry? In the Wicca religion"  
"Yeah, but the thing is, is Wicca is led by a God and Goddess. Besides, I don't have a religion"  
"Well, howabout we all go undercover in fat suits"  
"That might work"  
"Um, no." Hannah said. "I have worked way to hard on this look"  
"Who said, who said you have to help us? I say, I say, It would be nice if you didn't"  
Hermione shot at Hannah.  
"Girls," Oprah pleaded, "Hannah will just sit this one out."

this next part is at Hogwarts

"Took us a while to get here." Ron said as Oprah's car pulled up to the Hogwarts' castle.

"Ron, Oprah lives in America, we are now in England. Idiot." Hermione rolled her eyes"  
At least that other bimbo Hannah isn't here."

"HERMIONE!" yelled Ron, who was very peeved at the comment.

Suddenly the song Jessie's Girl shattered through the night. And it was coming from the castle.

When they finally came inside the doors of the castle, another song came on, called 'The Way You do Me' by: JoJo. As they turned a corner, they saw Dumbledore on the floor, doing the coffee grinder, and then the worm.

"Um, Dumbledore?" asked Harry, as D did a handstand. (not pretty for human eyes)  
No answer from Dumbledore. His eyes where glazed over with a milky white, and he was very, very, pale.  
"Do you think some sort of spell did this?" asked Oprah.  
"What else do you think would make him do the mashpotatos?" asked Hermione.  
"Well, I think he does that when he is alone, anyway. Cuz, really, that Dr. Phil incident?  
Classic." replied Ron.  
"I think we should head over to the bathrooms, and see if Mr.C really did anything that bad"  
Hermione added.  
They all agreed, and where soon off. 


	4. Jason, the Protector

As soon as they reached the bathroom, a very small person emerged from the 'wizard room'.He looked, somewhat better than Fritz. He had longish dirty blonde hair, freckles, and just by the look of him he seemed fun. And his name was, Jason the Protector.  
weeeee ok, that up at the top of the page was an intro, so like don't picure this little grim reaper dude with freckles coming out of the John. Please, don't. picture.. An amazing looking guy with freckles coming out of the John. Ok. back to the story.

"Hello?" Jason asked, in a honeyed southern voice. (America Southern) "Y'all here to dance like the rest of those bimbos?"

"Um.. No. Who are you?" Hermione said as she stepped forward, clearly mesmorized by those freckles. (yes, i myself adore freckles. I don't even know why...)

"I am Jason the Protector. Yada, yada, yada. So, if your not here to dance, why are you here"  
Jason tried to put on a puzzled look, but i made him up, and he is too cute to look puzzeled.  
Sorry, Jase!

"We are here to set things strait with Mr.C. By the way, why do you call yourself 'protector ?" asked Harry.  
"I protect the bathrooms. Sad job, init?" "I see nothing wrong with it!" Hermione said.  
"If he looked like an idiot to you, you wouldn't think so..." mused Ron. Hermione kicked him.  
"Why do you protect the bathrooms? Kind of strange, or, yeah, sad." asked Harry.  
"Well, if, say, Dumbledore's daughter, Ellianna, wanted to go to the Little Girl's room,  
I stand watch. I swear that little weirdo is soooo annoying"  
"Dumbledore has a daughter? wow..." Hermione said, "How old is she"  
"Dunno. Dumbledore just pretends he's old though. Anyway, right now I am garding the John for a Mr. C. He, for some odd reason I do not know, calls himself a hero"  
"We really need to talk to him, Jason!" Hermione grabbed his arm, "Please"  
"I'm sorry," Jason said very softly, like he was very far away. I mean, if you live in California, and he called from Tahiti, it's like, talk louder! "Please?" Hermione asked again, "We kindof depend on it"  
"Yeah," Ron jumped in, "Cuz that guy in there, he is like lying to newspapers. He said Harry was leading a cult, and that he was gonna make students do this!"

"A cult?" Jason squinted his eyes at Harry. But not for too long, just for, like half a second.  
"What kind of cult?"

"I dunno." Harry replied.

"Well your the one leading it!" Jason pushed on.

"The thing is, is I am NOT leading a cult."

"But Mr.C said so."

"Mr.C is a Dr. Phil fan."

"Oh. Well, why didn't you say so! Go right on in."

Harry held back while the others went in, "Um, Jason? Did you see Oprah anywhere out here?"

"Nope. Sorry, man. Let's just hope she isn't in a man suit." Jason shuddered.

"Yeah.. Mental image of that, God, I don't even want to know."

So, when Harry got in the bathroom, the first thing he saw, was... dun dun dun dun... wait for it... wait for it...

A KOMODO DRAGoN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes. a konodo dragon. And, no they are not mythical animals. They are just rather large lizards.  
He was extremely large for his species, and had a rather strange glint in his eye. But, Harry was wondering probably the same thing you are, 'What does a Komodo dragon have to do with a boys bathroom?' Well, he had nothing to do with it, he was just there. So, anyway,

"Ron," Harry said as he stepped over the lizard, "do you see any cameras?"

"Yeah. But it's in a rather awkward position."

"Where? On the wall, over by the stall, on the corner, all!"

"And how could that possibly be awkward?"

"Well, it's there isn't it?"

So, they went over to take a look. But, obviously, Mr.C had to be in the room. So...

"WHAT ARE YOU CHILDREN DOING HERE?" asked Mr. Corincci-Flincci.

"Stopping you." said Harry, rather bravely. (I guess all of those life/death situations he was put in before had kind of made him sound scary.)

"Yeah, right." 


	5. Poor Ron! and the coffee

My note: OK. So, in Chapter 4, Mr.C, was all like, um, yeah right. well, my point is, is just to tell you people, even if he does't get caught, we will all still love Harry. Right?  
Right. OK back to the story.

"What do you mean, Yeah right? We have you cornered in a bathroom!" replied Harry, who appeared very confused.Cuz, I mean, if you win in every life/death situation, it really messes things up when the villian is very confident.

"Because, people very well know that you sacrafice people, so even if you catch me, the idea will live on."

"But if we did sacrafice people, there would be no people to witness it, cuz if we did,  
they would all be slaughtered, right?" Hermione pressed on.

"That proves that you do"  
"Guys, this guy is so dumb, what's the point of fighting him? He doesn't even know what he is talking about." Harry told his friends. But you all might be wondering,

WHERE IS OPRAH?!?

"..oooo.." "..oooo.." "..oooo.." "..oooo.." "..oooo.." "..oooo.." "..oooo.."

Well, Oprah was at the partay.

In the common rooms of all houses, there where parties. But how did those people come to party like zombies? Same with the lizard in the bathroom. I have no idea.

"Woohoo! I have never felt so alive!" cried Oprah, to the almost dead students.

"Gaaaa alive... GAAAAA" the zombies replied.

"Geez, have you people ever seen a theripist?"

"Ther-pist!" yelled Cho Chang.

"No, no, sweetie. Ther-A-pist"  
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" she replied, not listening anymore.

ohahohahohah now, back to Harry :-)

"Come on,guys. Let's go grab a milkshake from, whatsitcalled? Oh, yeah, Steak n' Shake."

They all agreed.

So, at Steak n' Shake,

" Where has Hannah been?" Ron asked, daydreaming.

"Why don't you check the coffee house? That girl adores vanilla bean Frappuccinos." Hermione said sarcastically.

"How did you know she like that kind of coffee?"

"She was screaming it on the way to Oprah's office. Didn't you here her?"

"Ok, I'll go check the coffee house."

So, as you all know, Hannah was at the coffee house with Fritz. Poor Ron.

Hannah and Fritz where sitting pretty far away from the door, each sipping a vanilla bean frappuccino, and since they were sitting with their backs turned,Ron didn't notice them. Yet.

" Did you like the concert, Fritz?"

"Yes, urm, ze mussic as graate as uswal." (the music was as great as usual.)

"Good." Then, oh, lucky Hannah, she spotted Ron. "Um, Fritz, do you mind getting me another coffee? Real quick? i gotta talk to one of my background dancers really quick."

"Ure, 'Annah." As Fritz got up to leave, (Hannah was wearing glasses and a hat so, there was no fan riots.) Hannah went over to Ron.

"Ron! What are you doing here?"

"Hannah? I was looking for you."

"Oh. Well, one of my background dancers asked me for coffee, so I came down here."

Fritz came over.

"'Ello, 'Annah. 'Ello, 'Annah's friend."

"Boyfriend." Ron corrected.  
Fritz looked alarmed.

"Oh, boy." Hannah said as she backed away. As I said, One very messed up pop princess.

"'Oyfriend? I am 'Annah's 'oyfriend!"

Ron shook his head, "Hannah, what did you do"  
Then he left. Poor Ron!

Fritz looked at Hannah. "'Annah? wot 'appened?"

"I'm gonna go. Sometimes I hate living the pop star life.

THE END! 


End file.
